I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
