Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
a search helicopter?!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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