Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize