i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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