Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
