i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
