That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
