I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
