I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
