we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He better not be in your backpack
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
