I'm really into asian looking animals
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
