Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize