If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
