I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
