If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
