***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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