Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
