i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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