I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
