Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
