I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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