Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
