Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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