saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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