Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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