You can't special order awesome
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
