Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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