I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
