I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
