So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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