You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
