I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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