I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
