That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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