I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
