Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
