Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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