Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
