she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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