her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
