I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
