Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
