What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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