the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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