saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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