Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
