"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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