I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
