Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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