I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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