While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
