You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
