i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
