I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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