Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
