It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
