he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I deserve this hangover.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
